


You're My Medicine

by Tyjj



Category: the 1975 - Fandom
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Drugs, Fluff, Gay, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 10:26:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17041991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyjj/pseuds/Tyjj
Summary: I would feel awful if I said there was some definitive set plan for this, because honestly there isn't. I just really enjoy writing so I'm currently jsut winging it. What I intend to do for now is have it as some weird mess that eventually works out but I'm not too sure. That might all change.Essentially matty is a little Whore





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is lwoejy depressing and smut filled sorrY

Matty didn't understand himself, he never has, he thinks. Sometimes he wonders what it would be like to truly understand yourself, how you feel, what your actions mean. He supposes he wanted to be his own therapist, but he's smart enough to know that that wouldn't work.

He ponders on what it would feel like to be loved. He knows his family love him, he isn't blind, he isnt senseless, he just doesn't feel loved. He wants to have a heart full of warmth and someone he can throw his heart eyes at, but he doesn't. Matty isn't ready for commitment and he knows it. He's scared he'd cheat, and he hates that he considers that he could ever possibly do that, but who is he kidding? He's done it before, out of jealousy.

She made out with someone else in front of his eyes, "thought you liked it, baby? Seeing me be used by other people?" she fluttered her eyelashes at him and his blood burned out of his skin. His whole body flung into chaos, he didn't know what to do with himself, so he grabbed the nearest person and made out with them too, right in front of her face. He hates to say he liked it because, well, because he'd never made out with a guy before.

He pulled away and his cheeks flushed red when he realised he kissed a guy. "Shit." The man whispered and matty didn't know where to put himself but he knew he liked it. He knew he liked the kiss and he hated that he did because it meant it was another thing to not understand, it was another thing to be confused about and it was another thing that would linger in his mind when he's try to sleep. He couldn't be gay, right? There's no way. 

He wasn't homophobic, in fact he was the complete opposite. He was happy for gay people, he loved seeing them happy, holding hands, little kisses. They look so in love and sometimes he thinks he wants that. He wants it because its love, not that he wants to be in love with a man, at least that's what he convinced himself. 

He convinced himself he didn't like men, he didn't like the kiss. Not at all. He was just high and thought that man was a girl, but he didn't think he was a girl when he was face down in a strangers bed whining and squirming. He didn't think he was a girl when he was moaning into a strangers mouth, and he didn't think he was a girl when his mouth was being fucked. "You're such a pretty boy." He would moan to him as he grabbed Mattys hair and thrusted into his mouth, and Matty let him. Between him and his brain, he liked it, but he'd never let anyone know that. 

He liked when he looked up and saw how flustered and turned on the man was, all over his body, his face, his kisses, his touches, him. He was proud. He did that. Matty didn't think he was attractive to girls never mind to men. So he felt proud, and he felt smug and he felt undefeatable. He felt like nothing in the world could knock him down until he realised what he had done, he fucked a guy and he couldn't stand the thought of it. How did he let that happen? He wondered how it even came to be, how his girlfriend at the time hadn't said anything about it when she saw Matty making his way upstairs with this... This man. 

But reminiscing on it just made him want the man more, made him want his kisses and to tug at his hair again. It made him want to get to know him yet he had no idea why. He had fucked him once and evidently it meant nothing. It was a no-strings-attached fling and for some reason, Matty was into that. He could fuck guys as much as he wanted, he never had to be romantically involved. 

__________ 

 

Often times Matty would find himself go ogling "gay bars near me" just to see if it would be easy, and by "it" he means disappearing to a bar a few nights in a row to see if he could either get out of his head of get laid. Preferably both. He never did. 

It isn't that he didn't get lucky and he just sat there in a bar all night pouring the stinging beverages down his throat like it was free, but more of that he didn't dare to go there by himself. It was new to Matty and he hated new. He enjoyed change. Change in his own comfort, change in the sense of dying his hair, getting a new piercing. Change in the sense of poking needles coated in ink into his skin, or painting his walls and rearranging his room. Matty didn't like change that was exclusive to him when everyone else was around, he didn't like when he had to do something he'd never done before when there's other people (which is why he assumed losing his virginity was particularly hard for him, but he refuses to talk about that). 

Bars were never scary to Matty because it was usually straight girls and straight guys; territory that he knew. He wasn't gay, he didn't know how to flirt with guys, but he wanted to know, just for fun. Maybe for the attention. He didn't know, but he wanted to and he couldn't since his anxiety weighed on his shoulders like two lorries crushing him to the ground. 

Then he decided that if he was going to learn, that would almost certainly be the place to learn, he just needed to stop "being a pussy" and get up and do it. So, he prepared himself with three shots of vodka just to front his anxiety and hoped it would settle him until he got there. 

And it did. 

He sat down in a corner of the bar where he felt as though no eyes would ever be on him, despite feeling like all eyes were on him. He had brought a bag; his anxiety wouldn't let him come without one. So, he checked over everything to make sure it was all there. 

Charger, condoms, phone, pills, water. His anxiety was coming back, he couldn't be safe. Maybe he forgot something. Charger, condoms, phone, pills, water. He was going to be okay. He had everything he needed "just in case". One more check and he'd be sure he'd be safe, charger, condoms, phone, pills, water. 

He was okay and this was going to be fun.

He shoved off his fear, or at least fronted it and proudly strutted over to the bar, politely asking for some weird cocktail he'd never heard of before, but hey! If he was doing something new, why not do it all?

Matty took his cocktail and pushed a hand through his dark, curly hair and tried to feel natural, like this was his usual environment. He was good at lying, good at pretending, or so he thought. Matty out himself in the crowd of dancing strangers and joined in, hoping someone would talk to him, he didn't care who since he wasn't good at initiating anything.

It didn't take long until he had someone grinding into him from behind, grabbing his hips and shouting into his ear over the music.

"What's your name, Princess?"

Matty snapped around, furrowing his eyebrows, feeling completely out of sorts, not his usual, not his usual at all, "I'm not a fucking princess, but it's Matty."

"Hm.. I'm not so sure, you kind of look like one, Princess." He had smirked at Matty. His gruff features looking all the more attractive to Matty and suddenly he realised men were fit and he couldn't believe he'd never seen it before. And Matty eased.

He slipped his fingers into the belt hoops, and pulled him closer, dancing with him, sometimes kissing him, just for the fun of it. He was nervous but he just put on a mask and played as though he'd done this before, well, besides that one time.

They danced for a while, Matty eventually finding out the man's name was in fact Alex, and oddly enough, it suited him. He stood tall, at around 6 foot, his hair was platinum blonde, a little curly, matty found it pretty. Really pretty. And the more he drank, the hornier he got and the more he wanted Alex.

"Without sounding too... Cliché, do you want to take this somewhere else?" Matty whispered into Alex's ear, hearing his breath hitch a little.

They stumbled into mattys house, drunk and absolute messes and that only turned Matty on even more. He loved seeing clothes untucked, half unbuttoned, smells colliding and touches becoming a mangled, intertwined mess which only turned matty on more.

"Fucking kiss me." Matty demanded, practically begging for dominance he knew he didn't own.

"maybe." Alex leant in and whispered in his ear, "only if you ask nicely, Princess." He pushed back, his hands pressed against the wall next to mattys head. Matty looked stunned, his eyes essentially popping out of his head, he took a sharp inhale. 

"please... Kiss me." Matty said, more of a question than he had intended.

"yeah sure, princess, this is awkward, let me just." Alex said, seeming a little distracted, next thing matty knows he's been pushed back onto the sofa and he unwillingly let's out a small yelp, and with that he flushed a pink that only looks pretty on him, hoping Alex didn't hear him. But he's drunk, so who cares?

"Pretty." Alex states before taking Matty back to that place he wants to stay forever, where he lingers between contentment and lust. Where nothing is enough, but everything is too much, where it all balances out at the perfect amount. Matty loves it there, for him it's like a drug, when your body fits with someone else's and nothing else is crossing your mind but them, and their kisses and the way their body feels against yours. It's just warmth, and contentment but desire and a huge need.

And matty needs. 

Anxious Matty doesn't know how to ask for what he wants, hes scared to be ridiculed so he rolls over onto his chest and pushes his arse up unto the air and wiggles it around a bit as he whines at the way Alex places baby kisses up and down his ribs. 

Alex pinned Mattys hands above his head, causing him to collapse onto himself, which, for him, was pretty painful considering he essentially just put his whole weight onto his boner but he couldn't control himself. His whole body felt like it was on fire, but not really. It was tingling and warm and his stomach felt upside down and everytime he focused on Alex and what he was doing the upside down would twist around and it would feel ridiculously good to him and he hated it because Alex was almost certainly not a girl like he wishes he was. Girls could never make him feel like that. "God, Alex." Matty panted out, his whole body coated in a thin layer of sweat and he hadn't even had anything done to him yet besides maybe a few hickeys that he wishes weren't there. "Yes, Princess?" Alex asked as he pulled down Mattys boxers, causing him to grind down into the sofa from how much the band of his boxers lingering over his cock felt like teasing. "Please just-" Matty stsrted before giving up and groaning out of frustration, "Fuck!" Matty exclaimed, he didn't know how to deal with it and it felt like a lump in his throat, almost like it felt so good he was going to be sick, or maybe that he wanted to do so much and he couldn't do anything so it jsut lingered in his throat waiting for him to scream it out. "Mm, what's that?" Alex asked, "I never knew a boy like you could be so shy... That's not what George told me about you, anyway." Alex said absentmindedly. "w-what?" Matty said, confused. "nothing princess, later." Alex said, too focused On Mattys arse and how excited he was to use the boy like he'd heard he liked to be used. "Tell me if I hurt you, yeah?" Alex said, his "equipment" was sparse, so he groaned. "Suck these." Alex demanded before shoving his fingers in Mattys mouth and with a compliant hum, Matty sucked on Alex's fingers, practically drooling down his own face. Matty never knew that was something he liked, but apparently he enjoyed sucking the fingers of pretty boys, but again, he'd never admit it and he'd never let himself admit it. "Good boy." Alex said, as he pulled his fingers out of Mattys mouth, Matty feeling at a loss so he tried to move his hand out of Alex's grip to no avail. "Fingers." Matty said, hoping Alex would understand what he meant, though he wasn't exactly sure why he'd understand what he meant, it wasn't like hed known him so long to know what it was like to fuck him and what he was into, even though he was soon to find out. Without even thinking about it, Alex let go of Mattys hands letting him suck his own fingers and gently grinding his hips forward, moaning onto his own fingers. "God, you're such a subby bitch." Alex stated, grabbing Matty and flipping him onto his back. Matty was laid on his back, sucking his fingers when Alex spread his legs apart and abruptly shoved his finger into his arse, causing Matty to yelp. "what was that for, arsehole?" Matty snapped. "You were in your own world. You didn't listen to anything I said you were too busy thinking about me fucking you or something." Alex teased. "No. Someone else." Matty smiled innocently, almsot as if to say "fuck you" to Alex. Matty was getting bored and if Alex didn't get him off soon then he'd go and get himself off thinking about whoever it was that fucked him last time. Alex was boring to Matty even though he tried to be kinky (as Matty called it), he was just boring. Not Mattys type, he assumed. Maybe he isn't into boys after all. "I don't want to anymore." Matty whined, getting up off the couch and putting his hand through his hair. "M sorry." He rubbed his eye and put his boxers back on, even though he still had a throbbing boner to take care of. "Why?" "Dunno, just not that into you I guess. Sorry, is that mean? I didn't mean to be mean. I'm sorry." Matty rambled. "it's okay princess, have a good night, taking.... Care of that." Alex smiled as he pointed to his staringly obvious cock leaking precum through his white undies. "fuck you." "You didn't want to." Alex winked, "right well, I'll be going then, was nice doing... Whatever this was." Alex smiled as he headed back to leave Mattys home, "if you ever want to hookup, you know where to find me." he winked at matty and left. Matty just smiled and closed the door behind Alex. And with that he went to bask in the privacy of his own room as he pulled his own hair and desperately thrusted into his own fist, but something just felt missing and matty was a little disappointed that he only had two hands.

______

Matty wondered who the fuck George was. Who the fuck was George? He had never spoken to another boy, he only slept with one and he didn't even look like a George. He looked more like a Tom, or at least that's what Matty thought. Matty assumed his name was Tom and that's all he thought of him as until he knows otherwise and he's content with that.

He likes the name Tom; he thinks it's pretty. It jsut seems like a boy you could hold forever, a soft boy with the cutest smile. Matty thinks about Tom and his hair, he loved his hair. It suited him, weirdly enough. It was a strange haircut but Matty liked it on him nonetheless.

Matty decides its time to get up and do something productive for once (though he wasn't entirely sure what), so he connects his phone to his Bluetooth speaker and plays Pocket by Easy Life just for the fun of the chorus. Matty liked how the singers voice sounded emotionless and so rich in emotion at the same time, he liked the grit and he liked the bass line. Matty thought it was a wonderful song and kind of wished he could make music like that, but he had no band and he had no aspirations because he was Matty Healy. An absolute nobody who didn't even know who he was.


	2. Love is bold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk I felt like writing so it's ramblings part 2

It's weird, matty thought, how he could watch porn and not be aroused. He thought it was cute, when two boys kissed each other like they really meant it and one was with his back against the wall and none of it was desperate, it was just passionate.

Matty wanted a relationship but he didn't want commitment, he didn't want to be tied down. He wanted love but he didn't want it to be forever, which was jsut heartless of him, at least he thought it was. 

He still wanted to see that boy again, that Tom, again. He kept dreaming about him, he kept dreaming about loving stares instead of lustful glares. He kept dreaming about his hair, how it was perfect for only him. Matty dreamed about how his body fitted perfectly with his, but he felt guilty. 

He felt guilty about how he knew their bodies were perfect fits, and he felt guilty about how he knew how soft his lips felt and his saliva felt perfect and warm against his lips, against his skin, not like any girls. He felt guilty about how he knew the colour of his eyes and the texture of his hair. He hated how he knew exactly where the veins stuck out on Tom's forearms, and he hated how he knew how good his hands felt around his throat. He hated Tom, but he was all he wanted. At least for now.

Matty hated Tom because he was beautiful and the only boy who had ever managed to make him feel like that. Matty hated Tom because he managed to make him feel better than anyone else had. He hated Tom because he made his heart feel like it was full again and all he did was choke him out a little and make him cum three times in a row, wasn't like matty was complaining, he supposes.

Matty doesn't understand how he let that happen, how he let himself be attracted to Tom and he doesn't understand how he is attracted to him. All he knows is he can't stop thinking about him and he can't stop moaning about him. He doesn't care that he's a man anymore, he just wants to feel his body against his again, but he's not a clue where to find him. 

So, he spends his weeks going back to the gay bar, over and over again, coating him some awkward encounters with Alex again, but the "George" comment never stopped crossing his mind. Who the fuck is George? 

"Alex." Matty looks at him and places his hand on his hip, almost like he was some Victorias Secret model.

"Princess." Alex turned around and smirked, "guess you're back to finish what we started?" he walked towards him, moving his hands to Mattys hips. Matty slapped his hands away,

"who's george?" Matty took a step back and swallowed hard, nervous for a response.

"George?"

"you said his name, not me." matty furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before studying Alex's face in detail. He watched as his dominant demeanor dropped and he suddenly became this equal. He wasn't dominant and he wasn't intimidating, he was just as nervous.

Alexs hand reached up to the back of his neck, itching as his searched for somewhere comfortable to look. Somewhere that didn't feel like Mattys glare burning into his skin. He felt his cheeks flush hot and he didn't know what to reply. He couldn't drop George in it but it wasn't like there was anything really to drop him in for. 

"Who the fuck is George?" Matty snapped, realising that Alex was hiding something. Matty didn't take lies or secrets nicely, he wanted to know but he was terrified to. He grabbed Alex by the wrist and dragged him out of the bar. Once they were outside he let go of his wrist and turned around, burhsing his hair out of his face. "I'll repeat one more time, who the fuck is George?" 

"I-uh. Well. The party." Alex started, he has no idea where he was going with this and his words were just becoming a messy ramble that made no sense because Matty made him feel nervous. Matty was pretty, not like any other boy he'd ever seen before, not like any other sub he'd seen before. He looked so mysterious. His hair always strung out all over the place, his eyes dark and his eyebrows perfect. His nose was the perfect shape, and his mouth was so kissable, but Alex only wanted to fuck him, he was so sexually appealing to him. 

"Party?" Matty sighed, making a gesture with his hand to tell Alex to hurry up his bullshit story. 

"yeah, you were with that girl who was all over that other lad and-" 

"I fucked George?!" Matty screamed, disgusted that he was about to fuck his friend. 

"I mean, I'd say he fucked you, by what he told me anyway." Alex murmered, "anyway, yeah. He's called George. Fit ain't he?" 

"Wouldn't say that." He replied, pacing, putting his hands through his hair. 

"Yeah, I'm sure." 

"he told you about me. Why the fuck did he tell you about me? I thought his name was Tom, what the fuck?!" Matty yelled, completely confused. His shaky hands found their way to his jeans pocket and he yanked out a fag and a lighter. 

"Yeah. He told me a lot about you, seemed like a good princess. Shame I never got to find out," Alex winked. Earning a quick slap across the arm from Matty, who was now puffing on his fag like there was no tomorrow, that's what it felt like anyway. Like there was no tomorrow. He almost fucked Tom-George's friend, gross. Even worst George told his friends about him, even more gross. 

"How did you know it was me?" matty turned his head, making dead eye contact with Alex. 

"I- he, uh, well, he sent me a photo of you." Alex mumbled. 

"he did fucking what?! Where did he even get it?" 

"surprised you didn't see the flash, really. You looked so into it, fuck, you're so pretty." Alex growled, grabbing Mattys face and pressing their bodies together, "so beautiful." before pushing him away. 

"Where is he?" Matty was over Alex and his creepy touches. He didn't like when he grabbed his face and forced him into some weird feeling of inferiority, he didn't like it, it was off putting and made him anxious, he wanted to see George and he wanted to have serious words with him, that's what he told himself anyway. 

"Back room." 

"Back room?" 

"I'll show you." Alex rolled his eyes and scoffed at Matty causing him to feel indescribably pissed off. How dare he make him seem thick as shit? How fucking dare he touch him and call him a princess and talk about how "into it" he looked? Matty was infuriated but held back from his anger. 

"There." Matty was shoved into a room, "Talk to him yourself." Matty swiftly flicked him a middle finger, muttering a soft fuck you under his breath. 

______________ 

 

"And you are?" Matty heard a man's voice across the room. 

"could ask you the same thing. Where the fuck is George?" he leaned against the door frame, lighting up another fag. He knew he shouldn't, he knew his dad hated it and he knew it was going to make the building stink and probably get him kicked out but his anxiety was sky high and this helped knock it off for a little while. He shut his eyes and carried on doing what he was doing. 

"who's asking?" The man replied, seeing distracted, almost like he was looking at something. 

"Not like you'll know who I am, but Matty." He said as he breathed out the grey smoke, feeling his lungs empty felt freeing, but so weighing at the same time. He felt like he was floating but each second without his lungs being full of the toxic smoke made him feel like weights were being put on his shoulders. 

"Matty?" 

"Yeah, the one he fucked and decided to tell his friends." Matty scoffed, "I mean who does he even think he is? Why would he take a fucking photo of me and send it to his friends, like what the fuck? How did I not even realise? God damnit." matty was confused and angry, he hated how he didn't realise and now there's a photo out there of him looking "into it".

"Yeah, I know right. Who does he think he is, Matty?" The man replied, "I mean, God forbid he takes a photo of a stunning man. Stunning straight man. Looking completely out of it and into him, whining and moaning. Hm? God, who does he think he is?" Matty could hear footsteps getting closer to him and the more he thought about it the closer he got to recognising that stupid fucking voice.

"you fucker." Matty looked up at him, but as soon as he made eye contact with him he fell weak, his breathing became deeper and his hands felt loose, his fag dropping out of his fingers. "fuck, well that's embarrassing ain't it?" Matty stumbles over his words, fumbling to pick up what he dropped.

"Stop." George snapped, rolling his eyes, but matty didn't stop. "Matty, I fucking said stop." He said grabbing his collar and pulling him to his feet, being greeted with wide, deer-in-the-headlights eyes, "you're such a sub." George laughed, letting go of his collar and walking away from him.

"What's a sub? Is that a stupid question? Oh god I don't even know." Matty suddenly became a complete mess, he didn't know what to do with himself, where to put his hands, how to stand, he just felt expose. And sober. Very sober.

"wow, and innocent too." George chuckled, throwing himself down onto the wrecked leather couch, he rested one ankle on the other thigh, leaving his pale knee exposed through the black jeans.

"You're pretty." Matty threw out the words.

"Thank you, love. Could say the same for you." George smiled, "Sit down, I'm not that scary."

"Kind of are." and with a thud matty threw himself down onto the couch at the opposite end to George. 

"Hm.. Don't know, babe. I don't think I'm scary at all, maybe you're just a soft shite."

"Oh yeah? Well, well maybe you're just a-just a, uh... Give me a second I'm usually good at comebacks." Matty flushed a bright pink, mentally cursing himself out. He buried his face in his hands, embarrassed. He'd been dreaming about this man and now he's just embarrassed himself in front of him so many times and it's only been the first five minutes of meeting. 

"Cute. Now, what did you come to say?"

"can I see the photo? I mean that isn't what I came to ask but, uh, I uh, can I?" Matty stumbled over his words and his thoughts raced, what if he looked bad? God.

"Sure thing, cutie."


	3. Shameful lust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly idek I was thinking about something earlier and I was like hey why not dump it onto AU matty pft

Matty was ashamed to admit he looked pretty. His cheeks were a stunning shade of pink, coated with a layer of sweat that made his face glow. He was biting his lip and his eyes were pressed shut, head leaning back leaving his Adams apple prominent. Matty was embarrassed that he looked so into it because he didn't think he was that into it, even if he couldn't stop thinking about George's hands all over him. He just put that down to the fact he was the last person to have fucked him, so he just assumed that was all.

"Matty, you okay?" George placed his hand on his shoulder, grip tight enough to feel his collarbone underneath. He was worried, at least a little, by how thin Matty was, but it wasn't like it was his place to care so he shoved it out of his mind.

"Yeah, I-I'm good." Matty was staring off in the distance, a completely different person to how he entered. His eyes looked glazed over and confused.

"Nah. Sit your arse down." 

"no, I, uh, I have to go." Matty said trying to force George off him so he could leave.

"I said sit down." George lowered his voice, almost as if he was demanding him and without hesitation Matty was sat on the sofa, leaning over himself, head in his hands.

"I just don't- never mind."

"Oh just say it, what's the worst that could happen? You're scared of telling a stranger your emotions when he's already seen you naked? You're fine. So, say it."

"Vulnerability doesn't look good on me." Matty murmured.

"Matty, your emotions are less vulnerable than you being laid completely naked in front of me, I could've taken advantage of you if I wanted to. I'd consider that your most vulnerable and you didn't seem too hesitant with that."

"Because I fucking wanted it, I don't want this." Matty snapped, fingers pulling for his curly hair.

"'this'?" George asked, "Matty I'm not gonna humiliate you. I promise you, anything you say stays with me."

Matty almost believed him for a second, he's easy to trust and matty doesn't like that about him. He doesn't like the ability to trust and he wishes he didn't have it. "why would I trust you with my words when you took a photo of me mid fuck? God you're annoying."

"Mmm, you're only saying that cause you like me." George winked, smirking before he saw no change in matty facial expression, "okay okay, I'm not helping. What do you wanna do instead of talking about it?" George was embarrassed since he wasn't used to being rejected like that, he was used to getting his own way like a spoiled little brat, but he didn't care. He used his ego to cover up.

"I want to go."

"I'm not letting you go, why do you think I told you to sit down?"

"you're not my dad." Matty spat at him, infuriated.

"Could be if you wanted." George smirked.

"Not now."

"Oh, so maybe later?"

"Fuck off." matty snapped.

"God, someone's fiesty. If I knew you were like this I wouldn't be so attracted to you." George rolled his eyes, leaning back on the couch and spreading his arms over the back.

"Attracted to me? You just wanted to fuck me, admit it. My personality means nothing to you." Matty was pissed and he couldn't even explain why. He felt like all of his emotions were piling up and he couldn't do anything but project, "holy shit, fuck you." Matty gasped, leaning back and covering his face with his hands. "Holy fucking shit."

"what's on your mind, man? You weren't like this when I first met you." George was concerned, he'd never seen someone act so irritable, as if they're off their head on something. Matty looked as if he was losing his mind in front of George, he wasn't in control of himself and he doesn't think he even understood himself. He was in total conflict, at least that's what george thought.

Matty wasn't responding. Just staring off into the distance, pulling at his hair, breathing through his teeth.

"Matty." George said sternly, to no avail. "Matty, look at me." no response, again. He grabbed his hands and pulled them out of his hair, "Matty, please just look at me."

"I can't." Matty let out a sob.

"What's wrong? Please talk to me, I want to help you."

"no."

"What do I do?" George asked, not to matty, but more to himself.

"I don't fucking know, George. What do I do?" He started fiery, ended heartbroken, confused and in complete self hatred.

"Mm come here." George inched towards him, risking his ego, fearing rejection. He was terrified of Matty rejecting him, not because he liked him, that would be plain stupidity, but because his ego is soft and he refuses to admit it.

Matty slides over next to George, hands beside him, body straight up, staring forward. George coaxes Mattys head down toward his chest, gently stroking his hair. 

"you're okay, Matt. You're okay."

"M not." Matty let's a tear roll down his race, "Confused."

"About?" George speaks softly, still stroking and playing with his dark brown locks. George thinks he'd look beautiful with bleach blonde hair, what a pretty boy he really is.

"you." Matty says, draping his arm over George's torso, "Yeah, you." Curling his legs up near his stomach.

"Me?" George whispers, stopping playing with Mattys hair, before starting again.

"Mhm." Mattys tears begin to dry up, but his chest still feels hollow. He hates not understanding himself and this is one of the reason why, a break down in front of a stranger, how embarrassing is that? "Can you like, hug me or something?" he awkwardly asks. 

"Sure, are you sure you want to though? I mean you're confused about me why wo- yeah. Yeah I can." George smiles, moving underneath Matty, so he can wrap his arm around his tiny waist, "You're so small." 

"Yeah and you're huge." Matty smiles at the warmth of George, a kind of comfort he'd never really had before. He was used to being the comforter, not the comfortee, he had to care for others and never had time for himself, maybe that was why he was so confused about himself and everything he did. He just did was he thought was right, rather than what he wanted. He didn't know, he didn't want to think.

"You're nice to hold. It's comforting."

"for you?" Matty looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed, how could hugging someone be comforting? Matty never felt comfort when he hugged his last girlfriend, he felt comfort from being hugged.

"yeah, very. Can we do this more?" George asked. George didn't know why but he just wanted to hold Matt more, he was like a little boy who needed comfort. Missing some form of affection when he was younger. Maybe even now, and George wanted to at least give him a cuddle or too, he wasn't too sure about sex, though. Matty seemed to not have his shit together and George didn't want to risk abusing his mental state for a fuck or two. He might be a horny fuck, but that doesn't mean he's going to put others at risk for it.

"Mhm." Matty hummed, closing his eyes and accepting the comfort of George.

"Thank you, Matthew." He smiled into Mattys hair, enjoying the comfort of the two together, bodies fitting together nicely, but not perfectly.


	4. you're so gorgeous

Matty had given George his number, "Just for comfort" he would tell himself everytime he remembered the fact he'd given him it. It had been a few days since they had last spoken and he didn't even know George's number. Part of him felt his heart sink and his chest hollow whenever he remembered that George hadn't called him or a texted him yet, he wanted the comfort.

Matty hated not being in control, he wanted to text George and ask him to come over so they could cuddle and watch the wizard of oz (Mattys favourite film), he didn't care if George didn't want to watch it because they probably wouldn't be awake long enough anyway.

It was easy for Matty to feel comfortable with George, maybe it was because he was the first man he'd slept with so he felt like a 16 year old again. As if George was his first love since they'd fucked, so obviously that meant they had some sort of feelings for each other, but matty knew that was inconceivable. Matty knew how ridiculous it seemed to feel as though you owe someone your heart because you acted intimate once. Sex wasn't special anymore, it was just another form of entertainment.

____

Matty sat for hours, waiting for his phone to buzz until finally it fucking did, with a number he didn't recognise. He felt his heart rate speed up, shaking his hands roughly to prepare himself to reply to George. He hoped it was George even if it made him anxious. 

He tapped his password into his phone and pressed his messages, "holy shit." He whispered, breathing deeply.

'up for a cuddle, pretty boy?' Matty had read the message and contemplated on how to reply, you see, he didn't want to take too long and then it seemed like he ignored him, but he didn't want to reply instantly with some shitty reply like 'yes'.

Eventually he settled with a simple, "yeah, I'll send you my address, prettier boy?" but then he felt awkward as if he wasn't supposed to have said that, as if it was weird and out of place so he typed another response, "oh God sorry, that was awkward, sorry" as he felt his cheeks flush. He wished he could delete messages, erase himself from George's memory so he'd never have to remember the embarrassing things he'd said to him as he was trying to sleep at night.

";)" was the only response he got, and it left him on edge. He quickly saved George's number into his phone under the name 'Pretty boy', he felt weird doing it, like it was some guilty secret he kept to himself and only himself, but it made him happy because he knew George was pretty and seeing his number saved like thst gave him some kind of warmth in his chest.

____

Three knocks at his door and matty was rushing over in his tracksuit bottoms and oversized jumper, he wasn't dressed nice so he thought he'd try to do something to his face. Secret Matty enjoyed feeling pretty from wearing make up but he didn't do it often because he had girlfriends and theyd think he was weird and gross, but he didn't care if George thought he was weird because he didn't love George and if he left it wouldn't be too much of an issue. So, he'd put some lip gloss on and a little mascara, he didnt want to do anything too far, but he felt pretty which his lips glistened and his eyes looked wide and he guessed innocent would be the word to use, but he wasn't innocent, not like George thought he was. 

Matty opened the door, immediately greeted by a tall long haired man looking down at him smiling. 

"You look so good." George smiled, Matty was gobsmacked and didn't really know what to reply. He just looked down, fiddling with his thumbs through his 'sweater paws', as Matty had seen people call them, he felt nervous but he just wanted to throw himself into George's arm and steal his warmth, but he didn't because he was scared. 

"Can I come in?" George came down to his height, pushing Mattys face up with his fingers, gulping hard when they make eye contact. 

"Mm." Matty responds, closing the door as George strolls in, confident and full of pride, he knows he's attractive and that intimidates Matty. 

George just slumps himself down into the grey sofa, his arms spread across the back, Matty noticed he always seemed to do that. Was it just out of habit or was it because he felt comfortable enough to not have to hold his limbs to his torso for self comfort? Matty wasn't sure and he wished he was. 

"You coming over?" George looked over his shoulder at matty who was just watching him, full of inquisitiveness, his hair fallen over half of his face and his arms wrapped around his body. Pale white collarbone in plain sight as his jumper had half slipped down his shoulder. 

Without hesitation Matty walked over to him slowly and just stood in front of him, unsure of how to act in his own home. 

"Can I sit there?" Matty asked, pointing next to George with his hand still covered by his sleeve. George didn't need to say anything, he just looked at him and grabbed his hand pulling him over. 

"You're so soft."

"soft... I'm soft." Matty says, less directed at George and more like he was thinking out loud, "I like that." He smiled, looking up at George before laying his head on his shoulder.

George wrapped his arm around Mattys smaller frame, his hand resting on his shoulder, thumb rubbing softly. Truth be told George didn't care about cuddling, he just wanted to see Matty, but he couldn't decide whether it was out of his interest in his personality or if it was out of concern for him. George didn't pity Matty, he didn't pity him, he just felt a deep concern for him and his brain. 

They'd not been watching anything, jsut enjoying the comfort of each other, but Matty couldn't stop letting his mind wander about George. He thought about that kiss and how right it felt, but how wrong it really was. He felt gross, but he felt so desperate for affection too and he wanted it from George but he was anxious to ask so he sat there in George's embrace trying to take any form of affection he could.

Matty laid his hand on Gerorges thigh, looking at his thin fingers wrapped around the curve of his leg. They were pretty. His legs were long and thin and that made them pretty, at least to Matty. Matty was infatuated with the way this man looked, how his hair framed his face and his eyes were full of emotions every time he looked at him, they were never void of any emotion. Matty liked the way his eyes looked in the light and he loved his hands, his hands were so pleasing to look at, the perfect hands. If matty was still into drawing he would be sure to draw George because everything about him was so perfect. He was like an ancient sculpture, a magnificent art piece. That's how matty felt about his appearance, compared to Gerorge matty felt like a homeless man, with long scraggly hair and oversized clothes and imperfect skin with his stubble that he kept on his face because he was too lazy to shave.

"George?" Matty asked for his attention, "You're really pretty." He softly moved out of George's grip and sat crossed legged looking at him, neither of them touching anymore, around an inch to spare between their bodies. 

"What makes you say that?" George giggled, he thought it was amusing how Matty just blurted out random things and moved so slowly like a sloth but so gently like a kitten, he thought Matty was cute with his oversized jumpers and his hands hidden in his sleeves.

"I dunno, just thinking." Matt blushed, feeling embarrassed that he even said that, George surely was never going to want to kiss him again now, I mean he laughed at him! That's just humiliating.

"Thank you, Matt."

"Mm it's Matty." He grinned, pouncing up at George like a little child, leaving George confused as to where that even came from considering he'd never been like that before.

"Precious." George reached for the collar of Mattys jumper, "You're so adorable." He spoke soft, getting closer to Matty, their bodies almost touching. Matty felt his breathing hitch as George got closer to his neck, breathing down his top.

"Georgie, what are you doing?" Matty whined putting his hands on George's shoulders, feeling his stomach knot.

"Its George." He replied sternly, pushing Matty onto his back, George hovered over him, just looking at his body thinking about how beautiful he was and all the things he wished he could do to him.

"Mm... Nope. Its Georgie." Matty wiggled under George, moving his hands to his wrists.

"Are you okay?" George said moving back, sitting between Mattys legs.

"Mhm!" Matty exclaimed sitting up face to face with him, "Kiss?" He asked wide eyes.

"Yeah, Kiss." George smiled feeling a little confused. Before leaning down to peck Mattys expectant lips.

"Thank you!" Matty grabbed George and hugged him. Truth be told matty didn't know why he was acting how he was, he didn't understand it and he'd never really felt it before he jsut felt excited in his chest and like everything made him want to bounce around and steal Georges hugs and kisses.

"It's okay, Princess." George hugged him back.

"Prince!"

"sorry yeah. That's right, Prince. How could I ever forget?" George smiled, holding Mattys head against his shoulder.

He'd heard of Littles before but he'd never have thought Matty was one and he wasn't entirely sure if Matty knew he was a little. 

"Do you know what a little is, Matty?"

"Uh, small! Like me next to you." Matty nodded, reassuring himself.

"yeah, like you." George smiled, tapping Mattys nose making him blush.

"Wanna watch a film?"

"as long as I get cuddles from you, Prince."

"Yay!" and with that Matty was rushing to put on the wizard of oz, "This is the bestest film ever, Georgie."

"Oh yeah?"

"yep." Matty laid down and rested his head on George's lap, "comfy legs." he giggled to himself causing a lump to form in George's throat. George had never dealt with a little before and he didn't want to make Matty miserable if he even tried to be his care giver, but George wasn't little and he doesn't think he was a caregiver either, he just liked to dom people, not provide care but Matty was cute and it made him want to change his mind.

Half way through the movie Matty gets scared and turns his head toward George with tears in his eyes and his bottom lip quivering. "Nope. No. Turn it off Georgie, please. Scared."

"Move out the way prince, I'll get it." George kissed Mattys head to provide him some comfort and turned off the TV. "You're okay. It's okay, the dog is fine."

"toto." Matty wiped his tear from his eye, "Toto okay?" 

"yes, Matt. Toto is okay." George said, lifting Mattys face up with his finger.

"Promise?" matty asks with puppy dog eyes, mascara stains down his cheeks. 

"mhm, I promise. Now go get yourself cleaned up." George said, tapping Mattys arse as he stood up to fix his face. 

Matty looked at himself in the bathroom mirror as he wiped away his tear stains. He wonders what he was even doing, asking like a little boy. Once he's done washing and reapplying, he walked back out. 

"Hi George." Matty said sitting down next to him. 

"Hey, you good? Why am I not Georgie anymore?" he asked, a little disappointed that matty wasn't being so soft anymore. 

"Dunno, I'm not a child." And with that George felt his heart ache, he didn't have to be a child, he just had the energy and attitude of one. George wanted to be georgie again. 

"That's okay, I didn't think you were one. I miss being Georgie though." George teases, kissing matts cheek. 

"Not good enough." Matt turns around and kisses George, fighting him for dominance. He pushes him back over, siting on his hips as he feels George's desperate lips against his. 

He sits up straight on George and takes his jumper off, "Hm I think you missed me just as much." Matty smiles, proudly. 

"Oh yeah, just as much as you did? I'd place my bets that you were whining my name every time you'd fuck yourself cause you're such a desperate whore, so desperate for George." Matty whimpered and blushed, any trace of dominance he had leaving his body. 

"um... I-uh. Nope." George grinned, pushing matty onto his back before unbuttoning his jeans and placing kisses down his stomach. 

"not so dominant now, huh?" 

"dominant?" 

"So innocent." 

George let his hands wander all over Mattys body, his fingers tracing patterns up from his inner thigh all the way up to his ribs. He watched intently as Matty squirmed, "don't like that?" he asked as he kept running his finger around his body, goosebumps appearing all over him. Nipples hard. 

"Dunno, Mm, kind of." Matty said as he grabbed George's shirt, "Take it off." He said giving up from his own weakness. 

"Guess you want these off too?" George asked, pointing to his Jeans. Matty nodded. George obliged, letting Matty feel some kind of control. 

"you're so gorgeous." Matty smiled, grabbing George's shoulder and pulling him closer, "So gorgeous." Kissing his neck, listening to George's whines as he kissed him gently, before getting the evil thought of giving him pretty hickey to remember him by. 

Matty sucked on George's neck, he felt like a vampire but he kind of liked it, littering his neck and collar with deep purple marks. 

"You little bitch." George said, shoving Matty onto his back. 

"Mm yes please." Matty moaned, wrapping his hands around George's back as George pulled both of their boxers off.

"you're so desperate, such a little slut." Matty moaned in response, he never knew he liked being degraded but whenever it came from George's mouth it felt like his stomach was turning into butterflies. "Suck." George demanded, shoving his fingers into Mattys mouth. 

"nuh uh, Lube." Matty said, pointing to the drawer in his table.

"Mmm good boy." George said grabbing the lube out of the drawer and coating his fingers, "Turn over, Matt." 

Matty rolled over onto his stomach, "Bum up, baby." He arched his back, leaving his face half buried into the cushion on his couch, half wondering how he ended up here when just minutes before he felt happy and hyper and light and now he feels deep red and full of desire.

George slid one finger into Matty who wasn't even phased unlike the first time when he flinched, unhappy about the sharp pain he initially felt, instead he pushed back desperate for more. Matty recently found out he liked feeling full, it jsut made his orgasm all the more better.

"More, Georgie." Matty panted, his hands balling into a fist. 

"you been practicing? Good slut." George was impressed that Matty was so much more into it this time, used to it, prepared. So, he thought, just to test him, to see how prepared he was. Without hesitation he begins to push himself into Matty, felling his eyes roll back. He'd never felt a boy so tight before, Matty was different, unused, the best he'd ever felt and he didn't want anyone else to use him. He was sacred. 

"Fuck, Matty, you're so tight." George managed through groans. Matty pushed back, desperate to be full of George, a burning desire for George, all of him. 

"George, please." Matty whined, throat feeling full, like the only things he could let out were moans and whines. 

"What do you want?" George spat, pulling Mattys back to his chest by his hair. "I said what do you want, whore." he growled into Mattys ear.

"Harder, please, harder." and with that Georges fingers were wrapped around Mattys neck, thrusting into him as hard as he could, his other hand on Mattys hip, guiding him backwards. 

Matty felt overcome with feeling, his cock so hard and desperate to be touched, his hip getting sore from George's rough grip and he couldn't talk, he couldn't do anything but bite his lip and whimper.

Matty reached for his cock, fingers barely touching his tip before George had already let go of his throat and grabbed his hands, pinning them both behind his back and forcing his face into the couch.

"fuck, George, just touch me." Matty yelled, his voice cracking, he didn't feel fulfilled, he felt desperate and he wanted to just fuck into the sofa as hard as he could and he wanted to finish with George, and he wanted to make out with him and touch his body, to be truthful, matty didn't know what he was but he knew he wanted everything.

"Mm. Why would I?" George asked, still fucking into him, "why the fuck would I touch you?"

"Cause I need it, please, oh my god I need it so bad, Georgie, please." Matty begged, tears coming to his eyes, "please." trying to move his arms from George's hands, pulling as hard as he could from his grasp.

"Come here, princess." George said, letting go of Mattys hands and pulling out of him, "On your back like a good boy." Matty whined and rolled over, facing George. George spread Mattys legs, one over each of his shoulders before entering Matty once again.

"fuck you." Matty spat, frustrated that George wouldn't touch him, "Please." 

George reached down to Mattys throbbing cock, flicking his thumb over his tip causing his head to whip backwards and a loud moan to escape Mattys mouth. George paced his thrusts with his strokes he gently gave to Matty, almost as if he was teasing him. 

Matty moaning his name was like music to his ears, all he wanted to hear was for him to moan his name when he finished but he didn't know if he'd do it and he could ask but then it wouldn't feel as good because it wouldn't be natural and he doesn't think he'd ever tell Matty that he just wants to hear it because then he'd try to so George could get off on it. 

"George-can I uh, can I c-cum?" Matty flushed pink, his stomach knotting up, he knew for sure that if George didn't answer soon he'd do it anyway, even without his permission.

"Oh fuck." George replied, unexpectant of mattys question, which almost sent him over the edge. "Go for it baby. Mm fuck, you're so good." George slammed into him, attempting to hit his prostate as hard as he could, just to make it more pleasurable for his baby matty, and with that Matty came all over his own chest, fucking Into George's hand,

"Mmmg George." Matty mewled, "You're the best." Matty lay there panting whilst George used him, he enjoyed the feeling of being overstimulated.

"Georgie? You can, uh, you can finish in me, mm please do." Matty said, initially unsure but then unrealistically turned on by the idea of George cumming in him.

"Fuck you, Matty." George growled, grabbing his hips and pushing himself into matty with as much force as he could, csusing Matty to cum again at the same time as George.

George pulled out and laid down next to Matty, "You okay, baby?" he checked, Matty to ensure he was okay and wasn't too destroyed from George being a little cruel to him, though he was sure Matty could take more.

"Mhm, pretty boy." Matty rolled over to face George and placed a kiss on his nose.

"Prettier boy." George replied, placing a kiss on Mattys lips, "You're so good, you know. I'm proud of you, you did so well."

Matty felt his heart melt and he couldn't stop himself from smiling, "Why are you so cute? I just wanna kiss you all the time." 

"Yeah? Maybe, you should."


	5. Chapter 5

Matty hated it. He regretted it. He regretted letting Georges filthy hands coat his body and letting him use him like he was some kind of toy. He regretted calling him Georgie, regretted letting him in.

The situation was disgusting and matty couldn't even believe he was a part of it. He didn't even know George and here he was whining under him and begging him to cum in him as if he was some kind of prostitute. 

Matty felt disgusting and stupid and like he had been manipulated, but he knew he hadn't and he knew it was just a stupid decision in which he decided to fuck someone he didn't know and because of it, he wanted to change George. He wanted to pull him out of his mind and shatter him on the ground, but he didn't because he wanted to get to know him.

Matty wanted to get to know George so that intimacy didn't feel disgusting and wrong, so that cuddles felt passionate and not just like an equal comfort. He wanted it to be something more but he didn't know if it was just to remove his guilt and fill the hole in his heart or if it was because he genuinely liked George but he didn't want to lead him on and he was too neurotic to tell the truth but maybe, just maybe, it'll eat him alive enough for him to eventually confess.

George had text him multiple times since the last time they had hung out but matty didn't even dare respond. His heart ached whenever he stood in his sitting room because all he could think of was how he looked with George looming over him. So he disinfected everything. He made sure that everywhere George had touched he had cleaned, and he understood that it was melodramatic. Completely outweighing the actual event, but he didn't care. He didn't want to remember George but he was all he could remember. 

So he would stare at the messages that popped up on his phone screen, "hey, wanna hang?", "you free?", "are you mad at me?", "we don't have to talk if you don't want to", "I wasn't that bad of a fuck was I?", "sorry that was a joke. See you around I guess." and now Matty was sure he had blown it, lost his only friend, only person willing to sleep with him.

Matty felt stupid and ugly and desperate but it had been a week since he last messaged George and if he messaged now maybe hed look like a fool but if George replaced him there'd be a strain on his heart that he think he would actually die.

"hi." he text, a simple hi and he still felt like an arsehole. He'd spent a week moping around, sleeping, crying, scrubbing the sitting room and feeling guilty for everything he had done.

"you okay?"

"yeah. U?"

"not sure but I'm glad you're okay x"

"Come round, George." matty felt stupid and vulnerable and needy, but he did it anyway. If matty wasn't okay George would've hugged him and made him feel joyous and so he feels as though he should do the same, even if it means wanting him around more.

_____________

George appears at the door with a rose in his hand and some chocolates in the other,  
"I thought I'd apologise." he says, passing them to Matty and Matty could've bawled, no one ever does anything good for him. 

"i-you-it wasn't you." Matty gently took the rose and sniffed it, "thank you so much George." He welcomed George who elegantly entered and sat on the couch, placing the chocolates down on the coffee table.

"George?"

"hm?" he responded, barely looking at him.

"what's wrong?" matty plonked himself down next to George, placing his hand on his thigh, gently rubbing his thumb against him.

"nothing." George lays his head on Mattys shoulder, "you smell good."

"yeah? Thanks George. Are you sure nothings wrong?"

"yeah, youre good right?" he looks up at Matty, with wide eyes. 

"for sure." he smiles back, "can I kiss you?" George nods,   
"mhm" and with that matty places a gentle kiss on his forehead, "you're really nice to look at."

"cheers." George says, voice monotone. Matty knew something was wrong but he couldn't tell what and he didn't want to force the truth out of him so he just laid with him, allowing comfort to pass from one person to the other.

Both passed out on the sofa, at least it was that way to matty, but truth be told George hadn't slept but instead just bathed in Matts company because it was the least he could at this moment in time. Georges brain was deteriorating at a quick pace and he didn't know why, maybe it was the lack of affection, the need for love or maybe his lust but he hadn't a clue and his brain wasn't functioning like it should be and he just felt alone and blue, for some reason.

One second he felt fine the next his heart felt like it was beating out of his chest and his lungs were failing. His mouth was dry, his body was burning and nothing was right. The world was rotating the wrong way around and all the land was where the water should be. He pushed matty off of him, rushing around to find a bathroom.

"Hm, George?" Matty woke up to George frantically running around the house like a chicken without a head. "George," matty said more sternly, attempting to get his attention but to no avail. He approached him slowly, so as to not startle him since he seemed very frantic and terrified, he placed his hand on top of his shoulder, "its just me, it's okay, you're okay. Sit down."

"too hot, Im too hot. Help me." George looked completely out of it, sweat dripping from his forehead, hair drenched and shirt soaked.

"come on, come with me." matty helped George to the balcony, leaning him against the wall before quickly grabbing him a seat, "you're okay. Everything is normal and how it should be. Do you need some space, George?"

"water please." George was visibly shaking and he looked completely zoned out. Matty went and grabbed him some water and sat with him outside looking at the stars. 

"babe its cold, do you want a blankie or anything or are you good?"

"mm I'm okay, I think." George said, before grabbing Matts hand and holding it, matty guesses he really did find comfort in him and it was somewhat beautiful that he did.

They sat there in silence for what felt simultaneously like 5 minutes and 5 days but matty never got bored for Georges company and George eventually began to calm down from feeling like his body was just flung in a wind tunnel. 

"what the fuck was that all about Matty?" George asked, hoping Matty would know the answer, as if he was some kind of know it all. If George was being honest, he was embarrassed of everything that just happened and he wished he could throw himself from the balcony and erase himself from Mattys memory, but he knew Matty of all people would understand him and be able to help him, or at least try to.

"I dunno, what did you feel like?" matty replies, being dumbstruck by the beauty of the stars and the moon. The way they contrasted in the sky was almost like the contrast between him and George, but they went together so well that the contrast didn't even seem that noticeable because their paring was perfect, and he wished he and George were like the bright lights in a dark sky.

"Like I couldn't get enough air in my lungs and every breath I took was burning me from the inside out, and my hands were shaking and I was sweating and it felt like I was going to die, that was awful. That's never happened before." George explained almost in tears.

"panic attack." matty replied absentmindedly, feeling complete relaxation sitting next to George, holding his hand, hearing his voice.

"why?" George asked, looking at Mattys face intently.

"mm... I'm not sure, how are you feeling normally?"

"I don't." George responded, feeling defeated, "I don't feel. I just feel like something is missing, I guess."

"and that's okay, you dont have to be whole just yet. Just be you, Georgie." Matty smiled, holding his hand.

"I guess so, Matt. Is it alright if I stay over? If not, that's fine too."

"yeah, of course. Do you wanna watch a movie? Play some video games? We can eat those chocolate you brought over too, where would you want to sleep?" matty practically interrogated him on the spot, "sorry, that was too many questions."

"it's okay. We can do whatever you want and I was thinking I could sleep with you? I don't really want to be alone but if you don't want to share that's fine by me, I don't mind."

"no, no. Of course. You're fine to sleep with me, more then fine."

"eager." George winked, causing Matty to blush.

________

After a few hours of video games George got increasingly tired and asked Matty if it was fine to sleep, to which matty obviously said it was fine but cautioned George that his room was a little messy so he'd have to ignore that and focus on sleeping. To which George just hummed a sweet "yeah" and off they went to bed. 

Where George gave him sweet hugs in his sleep and Matty couldn't sleep. He had never really shared a bed before and not with someone who was as beautiful as George.

Matty couldn't sleep. He could hardly ever sleep unless he wasn't supposed to, then his brain decides it's the opportune time to pass out.

Since he couldn't sleep, he got up and decided to make himself look pretty for George and whilst he didn't know if he like dit when he wore make up and tight clothes, Matty liked it and so he thought George would.

So he sat at his desk at 5:30am, playing music softly (namely You Do Something To Me-Paul Weller), sweetly singing along and doing his make up. He'd admit he wasn't perfect at it, but he wasn't bad either. He liked when his eyeshadow was shiny and purple, but sometimes he liked to mix in a bit of pink.

For once in his life he felt beautiful. He felt like he belonged with George in his bed and make up on his face. His house didn't feel so cold anymore and his heart felt full again, it was like some life he could never have dreamed of, but he'd never let George know unless George mentioned it first.

George made his life seem perfect even if he was flawed. Even if matty was flawed too. 

They didn't balance each other out like Matty originally thought and he thought that made it better because if they both had something to work on then they both couldn't argue they were the perfect couple and that made them the best Matty could want.

Matty wanted to wear a dress, he knows it's stupid and he knows it makes him disgusting but he wants to feel pretty and maybe this will help him. So he looks through his wardrobe for his favourite skin tight black dress, he wanted to pair it with some beautiful purple heels but he didn't have any and he didn't suppose he ever would.

Upon finding his dress he put it on and stood in front of the bed, posing in the mirror, feeling less and less attractive the most he looked at himself, the positivity that once filled him, now leaving his body. He sat down on the edge of the bed, just looking at himself and his every feature, how his nose was crooked, his face looked dirty and his eyes were deep, sunken almost. He didn't like how he looked and he wished he looked better, he'd considered surgery but he always thought it would get him addicted because he couldn't even list his imperfections on fingers and toes and he knew he'd get carried away.

"What are you doing, Matt?" George asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes, "Matty it's 6:30 go to sleep."

"couldn't." Matty frowned, getting up and turning the light off carelessly.

"why? Was I keeping you awake?"

"no, I was." Matty walked towards the bedroom door, "just, I don't know. Go to sleep or something."

"hey. No, what's up? Turn the light back on, let's talk." George sat up in bed, patting down beside him, indicating for matty to sit down. 

"George just go to sleep, I'm fine. Its fine. Everything is fine."

"just go to sleep, Im fine. Its fine. Everything is fine." George mimicked in a high pitched voice.

"oh, don't start." Matty sighed as he grabbed a blanket and left.

George jumped out of bed in just his boxers and followed matty. Grumbling on about how he couldn't believe he was up at 6:30 and how Matty was being immature but his grumbling ceased to exist when he saw matty standing in the kitchen. 

"you look so good, what the fuck?!" George stood there gobsmacked, how in the fuck Matty managed to look like that was beyond him.

But matty felt embarrassed and as if George was only saying it to make him feel better. "you're okay saying it because I look like a woman. You wish I was a woman." matty murmured, projecting himself onto George.

"I kind of don't. Im gay, Matt. I don't like women. Well- I do like women I just, don't, you know, wanna fuck them."

"so you don't wanna fuck me?" Matty frowned.

"Matt, I just said you're not a woman, what are you talking about? I always wanna fuck you, God isn't that romantic." George rolled his eyes, "why are you being so weird today?" 

"it's 6:45 that's why. Come here." Matty whined. So he did. 

Him and George stood in the kitchen just holding each other, not saying a word, just holding each other. Until Matt chirped up,  
"George, why can't I like you?"

"you don't like me?" George pushed back away from him, holding him by his hips at arms length.

"No, no. That's not. Ugh. I like you but I can't like you like you." Matty tried to explain but he couldn't get it out, what he meant was that he wanted to like like George but his brain wouldn't let him. 

"you want to fancy me?" George asked completely confused as to what the question was.

"Nothing, never mind. Doesn't matter. Hold me?"

"I can hold you and we'll talk about it. What did you mean?" George asked, pulling Matty in again.

"I mean, I like you and I feel like I could like like you but I can't like like you because my brain doesn't like me liking men or boys or whatever you want to be called. Because it felt right with you sleeping in my bed but it feels immoral and I feel guilty and I wish you were a girl, george. I want you to be a girl. It would be so much easier and I wouldn't have to think about this and feel like this and it's all so wrong and I just, I don't get it George."

"is that why you're wearing this? To make it heteronormative? So you can make it feel okay?" George rubbed mattys back, trying to sooth him.

"no. I wanted to look and feel pretty but I just look fat and ugly instead." Matty whispered, feeling his eyes begin to sting, tears poking their way through.

"Babe, you could never be ugly and you're almost certainly not fat. There's not a picking on you. You look so good and if it wasn't 7am and I wasn't in just my boxers and hve nothing to change into, I'd take you on a date looking like a beautiful queen." Geroge smiled, kissing his forehead.

"can we?" Matty perked up, "please, can we?"

"can we what, Matt?"

"go on a date? No one's ever taken me on a date before. I wanna feel special Georgie, please."

"mhm, but for now, we should head back to bed."


	6. Chapter 6

Every time that George wasn't near, matty would feel himself regress back into hating him, into hating how he let him touch him and hating how he let him sleep with him or how he saw him dressed so beautifully but he knew it wouldn't last and he hated how he was so back and forth but no matter how much he'd sit and convince himself he hated George he could never resist him. And matty supposed George was catching onto him.

They'd had conversations over the phone but realistically Matty knew they weren't anything serious, even when conversations felt like he was handing his heart over to George, giving him his life to control. They were nothing. They never would be, so matty would learn to bask in the joy of everything they had previously had and everything they'll come to have, rather than mourning what he might be soon to lose whilst he still has it.

Her persisted in telling George he was stunning. How he loved his smile and how his skin was so perfect and it was a shame, really. It was a shame because matty only loved georges face, matty only loved how his shoulders were broad and his hands were big and everything about him outsized the other and it made matty feel like the perfect fit, at least george thought it was all physical attraction and it hurt a little but he guessed it didn't matter since they probably wouldn't last and it wasn't like they were together.

Matty loved when George would compliment his voice, or his moans over the phone and he loved how this felt like puppy love all over again, like his body was combusting when he saw Georges body or watched a smile curve upon his face, or when he would hear him say thank you to strangers and the way he'd perch himself on the couch which his arms spread along the back and it all was everything Matty wanted but couldn't have.

George felt indifferent, like being with matty was asking to be hurt, as if the situation was all so wrong and like he was taking a bold risk in meeting him to fuck or taking him out to drink or holding his hand when the stood waiting for a taxi, when they would kiss before they went separate ways. George liked to think it was just his mind being mental, he thought maybe it was because it was always meant to be a no strings attached, they hooked up once and that was it. It wasn't meant to be a "get-to-know-me-and-my-feelings-and-please-make-me-feel-good" type of situation and he hated that that was the way it turned but he would never give matty up for another fuck. He liked matty and he liked the way he felt, everyone else just didn't compare.

And they spoke about it a lot.

How matty was different and not like anyone else and he felt like a risk and how George wasn't a girl and how matty wished he was but he wouldn't want to change him, he just wanted it to be easier. They were both confused and hoped conversating would make it easier to understand and Matty had to admit that it was becoming easier to accept his love for George, even when his mind made him feel like it was wrong.

________

George felt it was weird, how Matty was the one he felt like he belonged with but somehow couldn't commit to. Something was missing and Matty was the one who was missing it. Of course, he'd never tell Matty that, that he was missing something and it was the reason he couldn't commit to him.

George liked how Matty felt like a risk, how Matty was unstable because he wanted to be the one to fix him and he wanted to feel on the edge of the world whenever he did anything with Matty because Matty was something different.

Everything about him was different.

Because his personality wasn't normal, his dress sense wasn't normal, the way he spoke was ultra special, he used big words and spoke like some kind of white collar genius, he wore his hair however it was when he woke up and he smoked almost all of the time. George was sure he had a drug problem, even just a little one, but he'd never seen him do anything before.

It was daft, really. How both of them felt so perfect for one another but refused to express it, so it sat there sitting in their hearts. The burning urge to love the other but not enough courage to risk to rejection, to risk the pain or the commitment, but to them that meant when (or if) it eventually became their lives, they'd be somewhat better off because they waited.

If matty was honest, he was scared. 

Less scared of commitment, less scared of rejection but terrified of George. Romance felt safe when it was within the walls of his own home, when it was confined to a small space or when it was lust and being pushed up against the wall of a bar with your lips swollen and a gorgeous man stood above you but it would never feel safe to walk around town holding George's hand. It wouldn't feel safe to kiss him in public or share a table with him at dinner because it wasn't normal, not to matty and it saddened him.

Matty wanted to enrobe George in all of his love, his protection, his life and everything else he could give but he hated him, he hated them and he hated love. He thought maybe he hated it all because it was easier than accepted it, but truth be told, he didn't know that. He didn't know why he felt anything and he hated that too, he just wanted to understand but it would always be beyond his knowledge.

He thought about how well he and George looked together, how everything about them was so opposing and how George looked so perfect with him in his arms and how in love he looked when he looked and George and he hated it because its so staringly obvious how in love he is and how much he loved a man he accidentally kissed, a man he accidentally fucked and accidentally found again because he was addicting. 

And matty was prone to addictions. 

The coke in his bedside tables, the heroin stashed in his kitchen and all the other paraphernalia you could wish to find would be somewhere in his house and he hated that too. He wanted to be free thinking, to be independent and not needing a fix and maybe it was because he was lonely. 

Because when George was around his cravings felt minimal and his heart felt slower and his whole body felt like it was in limbo and he wasn't cold and numb anymore but content. He wished he and George could stay together forever, but that's all just wishful thinking. 

George often thought about the way that Matt looked at him, how happy he looked, how easily he could make him blush just be complimenting him or whispering things in his ears and he loved how matt would shiver when he even so much as breathed down his neck. George liked how matty looked in his arms and how perfect their bodies melded together and he felt guilty.

He felt guilty because he'd slept with other men. Countless other men. It felt like some kind of sweet betrayal towards matty and it felt awful, but he couldn't change it and it wasn't like they were together anyway but it still made him sad. 

Because none of them could ever compare because none of them were anywhere near as innocent, or as sweet and willing to submit to him. None of them could ever take it like Matty could, and none of them ever mad sweet noises that made it all the more better for George like matty did, because he was almost certain that matty was perfect. Some angel sent from heaven, even when he'd convinced himself he was a demon. 

He thought he should come clean but he knew matty was sensitive and he couldn't risk losing him, losing someone as perfect as him.

He loved Matt; he was certain of it, even though he'd never felt love before, at least not if this was love.

Because everything else felt different. How the world was spinning perfectly and nothing would change his day since he always had matty a phone call away if anything went tits up. How his shoulders felt free and he felt relaxed and at home when matts head was laid on his chest and their breathing would sync. Nothing felt like holding Matts hand did and nothing felt like their bodies intertwining and nothing would ever feel like the cherry kisses Matty would place on his lips at random times.

George loved when Matty would ask him if he could do things, he didn't know if he did it out of needing reassurance or if he did it because he thought he needed permission, but regardless, he loved it because it was cute. 

Sometimes they'd argue, but neither of them ever knew what it was about and Matty would always apologise first, telling George he'd do whatever he could to make it better and how he was so apologetic for anything he said that was potentionally harmful and George thought it adorable how soft he was. He truly did not have a bad bone in his body.

George felt like some kind of protector and he supposed that might be because of matts occasional "Georgie-i-love-you" moments but also because he seemed generally vulnerable and innocent but he didn't mind.

__________

"Matt, remember that date I mentioned?" George asked, smirking to himself as he thought of an evil plan. 

"yes, Georgie?" matty smiled as he scribbled on some paper and thought about how perfect that really would be. 

"I-uh- got a boyfriend. I'm sorry."

"oh.. That's.. .okay. Can I meet him?" Matt dropped his pen on the table, looking up at George across the kitchen table.

"Mhm, come on. I'll show you him, he's really really pretty." George smiled, attempting to take matt hand.

"no, Georgie has a boyfriend, no hand holding." matty frowned, feeling his heart sink in his chest. Realistically he didn't want him not to hold his hand, he wanted to jump on him and climb him like a mountain or maybe cling onto him like a koala but he knew he couldnt and he'd be bad for it.

"If you say so, Prince." George smiled walking him towards the front door.

"no."

"okay, now you turn this way, baby." George spoke soft, turning Matty around to the mirror, "isn't he beautiful?"

"mm but I don't... Me?" Matty was confused.

"yes, baby, you." George smiled down at him, his eyes warm.

"but I not? You're not my...boy person thing." matty tilted his head to the side, still confused.

"I can be if you want me to be." George leant down to pick Matt up, "You're so gorgeous. You make my heart melt."

"please!!" Matty grinned, wrapping his arms around George's neck, and cuddling his head.

"that's it settled then, hi boyfriend." he grinned as he carried him back to the sitting room and placed him down on the sofa.

"Georgie you scared me. Nearly cried." Matty frowned, his nostrils flaring as though he still was about to cry, "Georgie I need cuddles please." Matt whimpered feeling a lump form in his throat.

"Oh no baby don't cry, come here." George grabbed Matt, sitting him on his lap and rocking him back and forth, occasionally rubbing his back to sooth him. "I'm sorry, Prince, I didn't mean to scare you." He frowned as he pushed his baby's face up with his finger, "You're still so beautiful when you cry." he softly smiled for a split second before wiping the tears off of his face.

They sat together for a while, George holding Matt and Matt sucking his own thumb, head resting on Georges chest, feeling comfortable on his boyfriends body he stsrte falling asleep before he was awoken by George's low voice whispering to him, "matt, its not time to sleep now! It's 1pm, should we go get some food? Will you be able to behave or be a big boy?"

George still felt weird nursing Matty but he was so cute he couldn't help it and it kind of came naturally to him. 

Matt hummed a sweet yeah to him and asked for help getting dressed, to which George said yes and Matt felt as though he could've cried out of happiness. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I now realise this went nowehre near what I initially planned it to be but here we are with some gay losers and some conflicting emotions
> 
> I'm fucking pissed I WROTE SO MUCH AND I ACCIDENTALLY DELETEd it so let's : change the chapter altogehter lol

Probs just little matty tbh a fancy little matty atm lmfaoooo

 

They laid there with legs tied together, arms laced around torsos with sweat sticking them together. It was messy, very messy but Matty felt at peace. He belonged.

Here. 

With George, with his arms wrapped around his body and his morning wood poking at his thighs. 

It was home. It would always be home and there'd be no one would could make anything feel more safe. 

George groaned as he woke up, "morning." gently wrapping his arms around matty and squeezing him a little, his cheek resting on his shoulder. His heart felt warm and he felt well rested, it was like being in a movie how perfect everything went together. 

It was wonderful but matty couldn't help but ponder on how much longer it would last, it was only a matter of time until George found out he was an addict, or until he found the scars that littered his body and he thought it sad, really, how he was aware he was so imperfect but he was selfish and wanted to keep George around so he hid or he lied. 

George hadn't really seen Matt naked besides when they were in bed together so he never really had the chance to catch a glimpse at anything in detail since he was too busy ruining his sub, and rightly so. 

Matty felt his heart breaking everytime he'd look at George. It was only a matter of time. A matter of time. It would all be gone and he'd be alone again, unloved again, depressed again, desperate again. Nothing was ever destined to be infinite. He and George wouldn't last. He and anyone wouldn't last. And he fear was exactly that.

George was everything he could ever want and more, no one would ever compare so if they split, then what? What else is there to move onto? Who else would be any good? He was punching and he knew it.

"George, how longs this gonna last?" Matty sighed, placing his hand on top of George's, stealing his warmth whilst he still was around, before they were nothing. Before he was nothing. Before it all became nothing but drugs, lonely hands and empty fridges, "us, George. How long are we going to last?" 

"As long as you're alive, I hope." George spoke softly before rubbing his eye and yawning. Snuggling back into Matty again.

"And what if it doesn't? What do I do then?"

"you find someone else, matt. I wouldn't leave you unless the relationship was bad for us both. Stop thinking about the ifs, it's us now and it's all I want it to be. I like you and only you." George said sternly in the hopes matt would eventually get it through his skull that he didn't have to be so pessimistic, not everyone had ill intent and cynicism would only ruin him.

"Okay, Georgie." Matt sighed, rolling over to face the larger of the two, "Pretty."

George leant down and kissed his lips gently, pushing him onto his back before letting himself get a little too heated. Matty pushed back against him, "M.. Not now." He hung his head in shame, "uhhhh can't now."

"That's okay! Do you wanna talk about it?" he smiled in return, warranting a soft hum back, "so what's up?" 

"nothin'. I wan' a bath." Matt sat up, holding his knees to his chest, "C'n have bath?" George smiled softly and nodded and Matty eeked in excitement.

"Come on, Princess." George took Matts hand and walked him to the bathroom, "You have bath toys, yeah?"

"mhm, there!" Matty pointed to the cupboard under the sink, in which there was a box of bath toys like rubber ducks, crayons and magnetic fish with a fishing hook amongst the clutter of other toys.

"which ones do you want, baby?"

After a while of thinking and staring at the bubbles, he whispered a soft, "Georgie?"

"What, Matt?"

"Georgie." he said, more sure of himself this time, "Georgie n Matt." 

"you wanna share a bath? Prince, I don't think I'm gonna fit."

"oki. Jus help wash?" 

"How old are you, baby? You're so small. Come here then." George grinned, as he scrubbed Mattys hair, watching as the iridescent bubbles formed on his head. 

Matty leant back into George's fingers, closing his eyes at the comfort. "mmm, feel nice." Matt smiled feeling tingles down his spine. 

George began to get impatient, feeling himself get irritated at the need to get himself off. He had to rush and get Matty washed before he got angry at everything he did. 

He placed Matt down on his bed and grabbed him his Teddy, which he insisted on calling Hanny. He emphasised to matt that he must stay on the bed and not move whilst he went to get himself sorted out. 

"no, daddy, I comin. So Hanny. Don' leave me." Matty begged, his eyes filling up. 

"okay, baby, fine. But you're sitting outside and not coming in, okay?" George bargained with him. 

"mhm!" 

George went in and stripped himself down, sitting on the edge of the bath, legs wide apart. He thought about Matty and how perfect his body was and how easy he was to ruin. He loved using Matty and he loved the way he'd collapse under him, the way he could take it when he'd never been with other men before. He loved fucking Matty and he loved fantasising about him. 

"God, Matty." He groaned through his teeth, he had to keep himself quiet as much as he could because he couldn't have Matt hearing him. 

George was a sucker for edging himself but he didn't let Matt know. So, he left himself alone a few times whilst he stopped to check up on Matty, just because he knew the build up would be worth the climax even when it was torture. 

"Baby, how old are you?" George asked, his voice quivering. 

"'M Fee! Said befowe." Matty raised his voice. 

"okay, Prince. Just checking." George said as he started to touch himself again. 

He rode out his high thinking about Mattys body and how good he felt, thinking of the new positions he wished the try, holding Matts back to his chest with his hand around his neck. Using him just like he loved. And it only left him flustered, his cheeks rosy but mostly because he wasn't sure if he was loud or not but he prayed he wasn't or that Matty was too small to understand.

So he cleaned himself up and threw his boxers and loose t-shirt on before leaving the bathroom, where he was greeted by a blushing baby boy with A hanny coving his crotch. 

"come on, it's colouring book time." George smiled To matt, picking him up and carrying him to the sitting room and placing him on the floor with his colouring books and pens. 

they sat for a while, Matt colouring and George making them pancakes in kitchen. When he was done with the food and carried it into the sitting room, where Matt was laid on the floor wriggling around. 

"Baby, what are you doing?" George giggled as he stood watching matt wriggle on the floor. 

"nuno, daddy. Feels good." Matty said continuing to writhe around on the floor. George stood confused for a little while until he heard Matty let out a soft moan. 

"Up. Now." George demanded, sternly. Matt stopped still looking up at George scared and confused, "What were you doing?" 

"said nuno! It hurt, somefin wrong wif it, dat make it feel better." Matt whined, kicking his legs around, "Daddy, it hurts." 

"Baby, you're too small to do things like that." George softly explained, "you can't be touching yourself." he picked matt up and sat him down on his lap. 

"Den... Daddy touch me?" 

"you're still too small. You need to be bigger, Prince." 

"How get big?" 

"I dunno, Princess. How do you normally make yourself feel bigger?" 

Matty sat and thought to himself, how does he usually get bigger. "Dunno, Georgie." 

"What if we look at this beautiful photo of you, hm?" George smiled, showing him the photo of him the first time they slept together, "Is this helping?" 

"mmm... Dunno." Matty whined, moving on George's legs so he was straddling one, "George." Matty whined, rocking back and forth on his thigh. He knew he'd get in trouble if he made anymore noise, so he sat there rocking on his thigh, shutting his moans off by biting his tongue. 

George smirked, realising Matty was bigger again, but maybe just a little different, "What're you doing, Matt?" Pushing Mattys face up to they were making eye contact causing Matty to stop and his face fill with terror. 

"nothing, sir." Matt looked at him straight faced. 

"Keep going." George demanded, grabbing Matts hips and pulling him closer so he was grinding against his thigh and hip, "Look at me." 

"Yes, sir." Matt replied keeping his pace, feeling his body tensing up with every thrust, "ffF-help me." Matty gasped, falling forward and whining into George's shoulder. 

George moved one of his hands to palm Matt, helping him along but instead it only conflicted him, making him feel like everything was too much. His hands slid around to George's side, nails beginning to dig in when he felt like he was getting too close. 

"Matt, me, now." 

"F-fuck." Matty whined, looking into George's eyes, "You're so fucking attractive." He pushed George back and forced their lips together, grinding against him until he reached his climax, stopping their weirdly passionate make out session and breathing against George's neck and decided it would be the perfect idea to leave hickeys all over George's neck. 

"Matty, you fuck, why would you do that?!" George Half yelled, half groaned. 

"You look hot with my marks all over your body, I wanna put more on you next time, please?" Matty asked shyly. 

" No, baby, you get hickeys. Not me." George said sternly, looking him dead in the eyes, "besides, you look pretty when you've been used. You should wear mascara more often." 

"Mhm, if you want Georgie." Matty grinned, "Shower again!" He ran to the bathroom to get another shower whilst George sat there thinking about how perfect that moment was. 


End file.
